How to Know if You Want to Have Kids
"Should I have kids?" For those who have the luxury to ask this, information technology's an important question. Sure, many reach a bespeak in life and wholeheartedly proclaim, "I want children!" A desire emerges. A switch flips. They look around and come across their friends having kids and think "Yup, I want that, too." Only, of course, not all of united states of america enter adulthood knowing innately that nosotros desire to have children. Many people struggle to admit to themselves — allow solitary others — the uncertainty about what is often assumed to be the almost logical step of adulthood. So, how exercise you know if you know for sure that you lot should have kids, that you lot truly want to be a male parent? What are the real questions you should exist request? What answers should guide you?
Ann Davidman has worked for 30 years to assist men notice an respond to these questions. A family therapist by trade, she is one of a growing number of consultants who help would-be mothers and fathers answer one of the toughest questions they'll ever inquire themselves: to be a parent, or not? Davidman has has long offered the Fatherhood Clarity Grade, which goes far beyond the perceived pros and cons of parenthood and instead turning attention inward, to improve help men know their desires and motivations. In short, the grade helps men find an reply to the question of "Should I have kids?"
Davidman likewise runs a flagship program, which she created with family therapist, Denise 50. Carlini, called Motherhood — Is It for Me?. The two besides co-authored a book based on the course: Motherhood. Is it for Me? Your Stride-by-Step Guide to Clarity, that does the same.
So how does Davidman aid men cut through the racket? Fatherly spoke to her about her plan, the difference between desire and decision, and why, in club to know what we truly want for the future, you take to look backward.
How does the Fatherhood Clarity Course work?
When I piece of work with men one-on-one, information technology's a 12 to 14 calendar week course that's structured and ordered, and I take them through a serial of exercises and writing assignments to really take an inwards journey into helping them notice the clarity of their desire, which has nothing to do with their decision.
What do you mean?
So the premise is that in club to be able to brand a decision, you accept to footstep dorsum and put the decision bated so that you can first effigy out what you want and why, and what drives it from the inside out so yous're not in reaction to something outside of you. And when you lot have clarity of that so you can await at a decision, merely when you look at them at the same time then yous end up in a gridlock or a stuck place. And so, information technology'due south very directive, it isn't open-concluded, it isn't simply what are the pros and cons because that doesn't really assistance in trying to figure out what information technology is you lot want.
What are some of the differences in how yous counsel men versus women?
Well part of it is, if someone wants to have a biological kid, at that place's a timeframe on that for women, where at that place isn't so much for men. There are differences, then when I do my groups I only do them with women and I don't do groups for men, because there aren't enough men to have a grouping, even though I work with men all the time. It'due south harder for men to come together to exercise this work. I call up that's just societal, and how men are raised in this society, it's just harder. But it's certainly subtly changing, because some of the classic fears you think men might have, women have also.
What are some of the fears men take about becoming parents?
"My time isn't my own"; "Will I be able to still do all the things that I want to do?"; "Am I going to be a practiced plenty parent?"; "If I'thousand going to do this, I want to practise it well"; and "Is there going to exist enough money?" Most people'south fears are the fright of regret, like "If I do this or don't do it, will I regret it down the road?"
Do you find sometimes that men are existence spurred to brand this decision before than they might have because their partners are concerned that their biological clocks are ticking away?
Yeah, if they're with a female partner and she'due south saying "I demand to do this within the side by side couple of years," they take to look at it. But I also work a lot with men who want children, and women who don't. Actually, what happens even more than that is that I'll work with men who contact me considering some other human relationship concluded over this consequence because they didn't have clarity, and they want clarity then that they know who to appointment. Because someone said, "Wait, yes or no." And they're saying "I don't know," and then the human relationship ends, seemingly, over this issue. And so men will call me and say, "I really need to know what I desire here," or, "My partner doesn't want children, and I'm non sure how I experience nigh that, and and then I want to become clarity to run into if I tin be in the no camp, or in the child-complimentary campsite, and experience good nearly that."
As you've said, this goes deeper than pros and cons. And so what practice men need to know, to consider, or to discover, if they're unsure about having a child, or fifty-fifty a second or tertiary kid?
Pros and cons come up into play when you're making a decision, simply you lot can't make a decision unless you're articulate about what you want, and why you lot want it. So my office is helping people discover what they want and why they want it. When they're clear at that place, the controlling process isn't actually that difficult. But when you're not clear on what you want, doing a pros-and-cons list isn't going to go you closer. The but people that call me are people that are already tortured, and don't know why they can't decide, or don't empathise why information technology's difficult. Or, they are going to be a father, the decision's made, only they aren't as thrilled virtually it as they'd similar to be.
If someone's made the decision but isn't equally thrilled about it as they'd similar to be, doesn't that speak to a lack of certainty?
Well, it speaks to missing pieces. I would say that if someone wants to be more excited about information technology, and they don't understand why they're not, there is something unresolved at that place that probably goes back to their babyhood, or something that they don't accept access to. And so the procedure of getting from there to being excited is really taking a giant stride astern, and, even though the decision has been made, from a place of "I don't know what I want." They do a series of exercises that are designed to tease out something in their subconscious or unconscious that really is non resolved, and that they don't accept access to.
What kinds of questions do you lot inquire? What things practise potential fathers need to enquire themselves?
None of them stand alone, and out of context they accept almost no significant. Because information technology is ordered, it is a process of a journeying into yourself, knowing yourself better. What's your understanding of what good for you boundaries are? How well exercise yous take intendance of yourself? How well exercise you know yourself? When you're triggered, or in reaction, to something effectually you, exercise yous know why and what it'southward about?
The title of the book is Motherhood. Is it for Me? But it could be titled "How well practise I know myself? And do I struggle with making decisions in general?" So, in terms of what is asked, it's a process of looking at your fears and the real externals in your life — finances, relationship, your age, all the things — and identifying all of that so you can put it bated and not entertain it at all while you go through a process of kickoff discovering what yous want for yous without having to consider anything outside of you.
And when you have an understanding of that, and then you can bring in all those external factors, and your relationship to them often changes. Some things matter, some things don't matter. Or some things are conditional, it's like "Oh, I practice want to be a father, merely only under these weather." Or, "I exercise want to be a male parent, simply non for two more years" Or, "This isn't what I want to take on in my life." Or, "I wanted to accept been a father past now, but it'due south not what I desire to do now." A lot of it is looking at unresolved family-of-origin problems.
Some of it is looking at boundaries: Exercise you say yes when you want to? Practice you lot say no when yous want to? In that location are exercises of pretending to have made the decision of yes to fatherhood and no to fatherhood and to see what reactions surface in those exercises. It is most stirring the unconscious, because everyone has access to what they accept access to. Y'all can rehash the aforementioned information over and over again, but if you're not getting anywhere with it, you need information that you lot don't take access to. We don't have access to our unconscious unless nosotros invite that forward. And and then the book, each week there is a guided visualization that helps tease out what'south in the unconscious.
This sounds like a process that can be applied to any kind of major life decision, not just figuring out whether or not y'all desire to be a parent.
It can. They contact me because of the fatherhood question, simply oft at the end of the class that gets cleared up, but also other things. It's similar "Oh, this isn't my issue. I tin can exist a male parent or not, merely I demand to alter my career." Or, "My partner wants children and I practice too, but I don't want to be with my partner."
Then what happens for people in this process is they get articulate on what they desire around parenthood, merely they also go clear about other things in their life. And that's just an organic outcome of it, because information technology is well-nigh making decisions and knowing yourself and feeling entitled to desire what they want. Some people are raised in environments where what they want is only constantly pushed aside because in that location'southward and so much paying attention to the needs of others. And men are frequently raised to focus on the needs of others — women are, too, but for unlike reasons — or not to pay attention to what they feel. Or to fifty-fifty be close to people.
I read that you lot encourage this to be a completely personal decision, merely how does that jibe with making the conclusion every bit a couple?
So, it's private about what y'all want, not necessarily your conclusion. I don't work with couples around this, considering I don't retrieve it's a couples issue. Simply when each person is articulate on what they want, then that conclusion-making conversation looks unlike. Information technology'southward easier to negotiate that when you lot're articulate. And sometimes it is a bargain-breaker, sometimes it is, "We really want different things," and then there isn't going to be a coming-together, at that place's going to be a separation. Some relationships terminate over this upshot, and some, they come up with another choice. There isn't a right or wrong, practiced or bad decision for everybody. Each person has to decide for themselves. You tin't say to someone, "Oh, accept a kid, you'll love it."
Practice people ever get out the form having fabricated one decision, and and then regret that decision subsequently?
I would doubt it. I think that when people become through the course, they know so much more information nearly who they are that they're pretty clear that you know why you're making a determination. If you know why you lot're making a determination, and and so downwardly the route you lot're being challenged by that decision, you know why you're there. I recall the fear of regret or feeling regretful is considering there is something that is unresolved, it's something that wasn't looked at. The fear of regret is different than feeling regretful, because the fear of regret is more than about imagining being stuck in a torturous place forever. And that has more than to do with your past than your future. But if someone is in the present fourth dimension and they don't like the decision they made, then I recollect that there'due south something to explore, what was their decision based on in the first place? And so they would have to get back and look at, "What did I overlook hither?"
What drives that fear of regret?
If yous're carrying around sometime wounds or early wounds where in fact your needs weren't met, or you lot did feel left out or in fact you did miss out on something that you had no control over, there is this fantasy of, "Well, if I control the futurity so I won't miss out on something." Simply it doesn't work that way. First of all, anybody has fears almost something, and so in this plan we place them then we can put them aside, because to entertain them prematurely just gets in the way.
Just the message is: You can only know what you want and move in that management. You tin can't know what it will be like. Any fear is actually more most the past. If you have a fear, y'all're triggered nearly something from the by. And then it'due south near exploring what that is; information technology's going to exist different for each person, but information technology's going to go back to something unresolved in your past, or a loss that hasn't been faced. And you may be aware of it, you may not be aware of it. Merely the exercises are designed to tease out what needs your attention.
If you were to extrapolate based on your experience, how have men — and fathers — changed in the last thirty years?
People still become a lot of flack in our society for choosing to alive a child-free life, let alone not knowing what they want. So people have a false belief that they're but supposed to know about this issue, and if they don't, something'south incorrect with them. So they're certainly not going to talk most that with anybody. And I recall there'southward just more permission to not know and make a conscious choice than in that location was earlier, just it's still pretty express. It changes with each generation, but boys are often raised that it'south not okay for them to have their feelings.
But people are raising boys differently, now there's much more consciousness about children and what they need to feel rubber and connected. And I've been doing this for xxx years, so it does look different now. And there are more men that call me now. I would say the men that call me now versus the men that called me 30 years agone are much more conscientious, and feel like they have a option. When men are in heterosexual relationships, they often feel like it'due south not their decision, it's the adult female's conclusion, and they have to go along. That's what saddens me about, is that I want men to feel that they get to decide what they desire as well.
This conversation has been edited for clarity and condensed.
Source: https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/not-sure-if-you-want-kids-this-therapist-will-help-you-decide/
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